Imposter Syndrome — the art of not being suspicious

I’m not naive enough to think that no one out there has experienced imposter syndrome. In case you are someone overflowing with self-confidence, imposter syndrome is when you have self-doubt and feel incompetent despite your education, experience, accomplishments, and expertise. In other words, my entire existence on a daily basis.

Yesterday, I celebrated the 5th anniversary of when I started as a Jr. Front End Developer at Brad’s Deals. Over the years I’ve been promoted, worked on countless projects, attended conferences, learned new languages, had a kid, went remote pre-pandemic (in another state), moved a bunch, bought a house, dedicated myself to the pursuit of accessible websites, and helped start a Diversity, Equity, and Inclusion group at Brad’s Deals after the death of George Floyd. I’ve been recognized for the projects I’ve completed, and my coworkers truly seem to enjoy working with me.

By all accounts, I’m doing a good job and am a valuable member of the workforce at Brad’s Deals.

If only I felt that way. Instead, I feel stuck in the “fake it till you make it” headspace. As my coworkers and manager were talking about all the things I’ve done and how they enjoy working with me, my brain was screaming that they’ve got the wrong person, they could not possibly be talking about me. No way, no how. I smiled and said thank you, but the whole time my brain was telling me that they were talking about someone else.

Another instance when my imposter syndrome reared its ugly head was after discussing a presentation with my manager. I’ve been working on a presentation on accessibility for Brad’s Deals and jokingly called it my TED talk. After a chuckle, my manager suggested that I actually speak at conferences or something. My immediate thought was, “I’m sorry, what? You must be talking about someone else.” I cannot possibly be regarded as an expert in anything let alone accessibility. Again, self-doubt immediately takes over.

I wish I could provide you with some advice or tips to combat this feeling. Heck, if you come across any, send them my way! I’m attempting to believe that my coworkers and manager wouldn’t try to inflate my ego or lie to me, but that voice in the back of my head can get pretty loud. Who knows, maybe one day I will share my presentation at a conference or something.